Monday, August 1, 2016


I go back and forth on whether I should do a post on this because it is personal. Yes all my posts are about my personal life but these are my emotions and these are people that I don't want to hurt even if my feelings have been.

I have always been the "third wheel" except in the congregation I grew up in. Maybe because I was the oldest but there I had a place and friends. I joined clubs, sports, pretty much anything to try to make more of a make real friends...through middle and high school. Don't get me wrong I had some very close friends but by the time we got to highschool we had different paths but still I considered them my best friends. We don't talk now, it was more that we all just drifted apart, separated by states, interests, beliefs...just life.

Then there was the classmates I got along with but never cool enough to hangout with outside of school/sports. Maybe my problem was that I had a goal of getting along with everyone. I had my "enemies" yet I still tried to be cordial to them.

College was a little different because there were only a few people I saw frequently. Again we didn't hang out outside of class much but I am still in touch with most of those who I did. Facebook has been a huge help in that aspect.

There was one friendship during my college years that has continued granted on and off but it is one of those that we pick right back up where we left off. Sometimes I really want to ask what made us drift apart for the year or so that maybe we weren't in contact as much but I know it wasn't just their fault. I have a phone and email too. Not only are we friends but our children have grown up as friends which I am very thankful for and hope they continue to be great friends.

Now I make friends easier with those older than me. Again maybe it is because I didn't have others my own age growing up. My parents worked at a retirement center which I spent a lot of time at, I was the oldest child in our congregation and the closest female was 5 years younger or about 12 years older than me. Socially awkward  was and is who I am.

Maybe I try to hard but I'm at a time in my life where it feels like because I don't have close relationships like others that my children suffer too. When I look around I see women as best friends and their children as best friends hanging out, inside jokes, getting together for lunches. It makes me a little jealous.

Especially when my children are not invited to those birthday parties or asked to come play. I begin to think maybe it is because of me that they don't want their kids around mine. Maybe they think I don't have well behaved children, maybe I'm not crafty enough, or stylish enough. Oh my head spins and I have a good cry.

Then I realize I'm not alone. There are others that don't get invited to every thing or included in the inside joke. While it hurts I need to pick myself up and teach my boys it is not about being included but trying to include others into our life. It may not be reciprocated and we can't invite every single person to everything thing but we can try to make every person feel special in those moments we have with them.

Opening doors, saying hello or at least giving a smile, doing what is right by putting God first. Taking the worry and burden off our shoulders and living a life following Christ. Usually when I start feeling down I realize I haven't been great about studying God's word.

Kristen Duke has a couple posts on her blog that have really hit home and helped me through some of these rough times.


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